MAGIC         PORK

A while back - maybe a year or so? - I started to write a post about Michael Jackson. I abandoned the post because it just wasn’t working. I had some vague disjointed ideas but when I went to write them up, it wasn’t flowing right and was just kind of stupid. I’m sure it appears that I just slap these posts together, but believe it or not I put effort into them. That’s how bad of a writer I am that these are the best I got in me. Occasionally I’ve started posts that just weren’t up to the high standards of Magic Pork and they never saw the light of day. I was always disheartened that I abandoned that Michael Jackson post because I felt like there was gold to be mined there.

Now, with the news that Michael Jackson is dead, and with my friends and family starting to harass me to post something, it’s time. But there’s still no flow to these ideas so I’ll just make a bulleted list and throw out there whatever comes to mind.

• Michael Jackson’s little girlish outbursts - you know, the “hee”, “hoo” type noises - what do you call them? There’s got to be a term for that. Well whatever they’re called, they’re absolutely one of the best contributions to pop music ever. You could make a mediocre pop song good just by throwing in some Jacksongasms. Jacksongasm!  I just made that up now! What do you think? It works, right? So got a word for it now. I don’t want to picture “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” or “The Way You Make Me Feel” without Jacksongasms. That last part of “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” with the “ma-ma-say-ma-ma-sah-ma-ma-ku-sah” (that Rihanna lifted for “Don’t Stop The Music”)? It’s good, but the accompanying Jacksongasms push it to great. He just goes insane with them at the end of that song. I picture Quincy Jones saying “more Jacksongasm!” like Christopher Walken in that “more cowbell” SNL skit.
  
  Now that I repeat “Jacksongasm” that many times, it’s lost its appeal to me. Must use that sparingly.
• “Just Good Friends” with Stevie Wonder is underrated.
• “The Girl Is Mine” with Paul McCartney is rated just right - it’s not a very good song. It’s like a bad Vegas lounge act. But I do give it points for two things: The bridge is decent, and the talking at the end is (I assume unintentionally) hilarious. You have to listen to it to get the full effect, but here’s what they say:
  
  Paul: Michael, we’re not going to fight about this, okay?
  Michael: Paul, I think I told you: I’m a lover not a fighter.
  Paul: I’ve heard it all before, Michael. She told me that I’m her forever lover, you know, don’t you remember?
  Michael: Well, after loving me she said she couldn’t love another.
  Paul: Is that what she said?
  Michael: Yes, she said it. You keep dreaming.
  Paul: I don’t believe it.
  
  Yeah Paul I wouldn’t believe that either. The best line is “She told me that I’m her forever lover”. Who talks like that? Cracks me up, but that’s probably just me.
• If asked to compare the two, I would have to say Thriller is a superior album to Bad. Pretty much everyone would. Then why do I tend to listen to Bad more often? Does that mean I like it more? I don’t know - it may be because Thriller has some great songs but also some not-so-great songs (see above), whereas Bad may not have as many great songs but it’s pretty consistently good. Or it could just be that I hear the songs from Thriller so often that they wore on me. When I lived in Rochester, I’d sometimes go to this bar that plays a lot of 80’s songs called Vinyl and some of those songs (”Thriller”, “P.Y.T.”, “Billie Jean”, “Beat It”) were in regular rotation. Someone needs to tell their DJ that there are a whole lot of 80’s songs. He doesn’t need to play the same ones every weekend. But hey the bar was always packed so what do I know.
• I remember after “Dirty Diana” was released - I was in junior high school I think - I heard two boys talking about metal bands and hard rock stuff. Then one of them said that “Dirty Diana” was pretty good. And you know what? He was right - that song kicks ass. It’s just begging for a cover by Disturbed. Disturbed did two awesome hard rock covers of 80’s songs: “Shout” by Tears For Fears and “Land of Confusion” by Genesis. I know they could do something great with “Dirty Diana”.
• Speaking of covers, the video to Alien Ant Farm’s cover of “Smooth Criminal” was really good. It walks a perfect line between homage and satire, and their cover is just great too. I hated that other song they released from that album though - “Movies” or something. I’d say they should stick to other people’s songs but are they even around any more? This wikipedia page lists the Michael Jackson references in the video, and the video is on YouTube, although the quality is horrible like most videos on YouTube.
• I can’t figure out why after listening to the entire Bad album, it’s always “Liberian Girl” that gets stuck in my head. That’s the worst song on the album so why does that happen?? Even if I skip past the song, it still happens. I don’t even listen to it and it still gets into my head! That’s just not fair. It’ll probably happen now just because I wrote about it. That’s how much I sacrifice to bring this great content to you.

I suppose I should end with some statement about his death. I’m not a huge Michael Jackson fan despite what it may look like from me rambling on about the guy. I think he was very talented though, and to be honest I always personally believed that he wasn’t a child molester, just some really odd guy with a stunted mental maturity and isolated enough from reality to not know or care how his closeness to kids was perceived. So - am I sad he’s dead? No, not in particular - but I do think it’s unfortunate. He made great music, he was a unique guy (very unique), and I think the world may just have been a little better with him in it - or at least more interesting.

Every year around St. Patrick’s Day I like to have a corned beef & cabbage dinner. Partly to get in the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day and partly because it’s hard to find that on the menu at restaurants any other time of the year. And I do like me some corned beef & cabbage. Mmmm.

But this year I decided to up & move to a new city just a couple of weeks prior to St. Patrick’s Day. I clearly should have planned this better because I suddenly found myself unsure of how to go about getting a corned beef & cabbage dinner. (Cooking a corned beef & cabbage dinner is out of the question for me.) Fortunately, I discovered that there are a couple of Irish pubs not far from me that serve corned beef & cabbage dinner all year long. And to put a strange, cruel twist on it - according to what I read, they don’t serve it on St. Patrick’s Day and instead just serve cold sandwiches in order to handle the massive crowds.

That doesn’t bother me though, as long as I can get my corned beef & cabbage whenever I want to the rest of the year.

Having decided upon that course of action, I put St. Patrick’s Day food concerns out of my mind. I was sitting here at my computer and suddenly out of nowhere I remembered: Shamrock Shake!! If McDonald’s had any wisdom they’d sell it all year - but they don’t - so it’s always a treat when this delicious green shake is available. And lucky me, there’s a McDonald’s located just a few blocks from me!

So I strolled down the street, walked into the McDonald’s, walked up to the counter, and… no one was behind the counter. So I waited, and while waiting looked around. Hmm, no signs for the Shamrock Shake. I’d think they’d advertise that. Began to get suspicious. Then someone came out from the kitchen and I asked if they had the Shamrock Shake. He kind of smiled and said no. Drat! So I said “that’s all I came for” and left.

I was disheartened, but then remembered that there’s another McDonald’s also within a few blocks of my apartment in another direction. Yes that’s right, I live near two McDonald’s. So I walked over to that one and there was a line of people. I got in line but looked over the menu and didn’t see any Shamrock Shake. I considered asking anyway, but decided instead to just take the hint and leave.

No Shamrock Shake. That’s just horrible. Last year, in Rochester, I bought a Shamrock Shake at a McDonald’s in April. Perhaps that means no one was buying it, which doesn’t exactly boost my case here. Nonetheless, for me it’s a point in the Rochester column. (Right after garbage plates of course.)

I just did a google search and came across this website. On it, people can report locations that don’t serve the Shamrock Shake. There’s also some video clips that are - well, stupid. But I can overlook that if they’re providing such a great resource to the world.

I love the new ATM that HSBC installed at the branch I frequent (University & Culver). I’ve been banking with HSBC (formerly Marine Midland) for my whole life so maybe other banks have these ATMs already, but it’s new to me.

I don’t like to make frequent trips to the ATM so I’ll typically take out $300 at a time. (Note to would-be muggers: I do not usually carry $300 on me.)  This is the procedure I would follow with the old ATM, after sliding my card in:

1. Enter 4 digit PIN: “0-4-0-9″.
   Just kidding! You think I’m that stupid to post my PIN here? Or to use my birthday as my PIN?
2. Hit “Enter”.
3. Select “Withdrawal”.
4. Select “Checking”.
5. Select “Other Amount”. ($300 is never listed as a fast cash amount.)
6. Enter “3-0-0-0-0″.
7. Hit “Enter”.
8. Select “No” for if I want another transaction.
9. Select “Yes” for if I want a receipt.

That’s a total of 16 button presses and 7 screens to interact with. Compare that with how I use the ATM now:

1. Enter 4 digit PIN: “0-4-0-9″.
2. Hit “Enter”.
3. Select “Withdraw $300 From Checking”.

Done.  6 button presses and 2 screens.

That’s possible because after entering my PIN, the main screen has a “Set Preferences” button. During a previous session, I used that button to answer the questions of how much to withdraw, from which account, and whether to return a receipt, and it saved those preferences with my account so that from that point on, there’s a fast cash button that’s customized to what I typically do.

Genius? No. Common sense. So why haven’t I seen this before? And why was I so impressed when I discovered this?

Unfortunately, just as HSBC is giving me this awesome ATM, I’m most likely going to be switching banks. (See previous post. Only one HSBC branch.)

P.S. It’s “ATM”, not “ATM machine”. It’s also “PIN”, not “PIN number”, although I’m embarrassed to admit that I still slip up on that one sometimes.

Pretty soon there will be a new resident of our nation’s capital. Someone that will bring much needed change and inspire so many people. That’s right, I’m moving to Washington, DC.

It’s been in the works for a few months now, but I didn’t want to make a public statement until the details were less hazy. I left my job as of December 31st and will be starting at a new company on Monday. However, I will still be in Rochester for the time being because this job requires working from home, as well as some travel.

I looked at apartments in DC last weekend and signed a lease on one, so I will be moving there around March 1st. I’ve thought about moving from Rochester for a while now, and moving to DC in particular, but I’ve always hesitated. But now seems like a good time to make the move, for both personal and professional reasons. It might be tough since I’ve never lived anywhere except Rochester and my hometown (also in upstate New York), but I’m looking forward to giving it a shot.

I’ll miss Rochester I’m sure, but I’ll be back to visit and maybe someday I’ll move back. (I must admit: I chose to rent an apartment instead of purchase a condo mainly so that I have a exit plan in case I hate it there.) In the meantime, all you good Rochesterians and other upstate New Yorkers will just have to struggle on without me. I know you’re up to the task.

I have a few gripes about Diet Dr Pepper, none of which have to do with the taste. I’m not a big fan of the taste either, but it’s okay once in a while when I feel like having something different than my typical Diet Coke. By the way, I always hated Diet Coke until a few years ago when I decided I could cut down on my sugar intake by switching to diet. I actually forced myself by sheer willpower to drink that fake sweetener crap, hoping that I’d just eventually get used to it. Remarkably, it worked. It worked so well that now I don’t like the taste of regular Coke. I worry about what that says about my susceptibility to brainwashing.

Okay back to Diet Dr Pepper. Here are my complaints:

1. What’s with the missing period? It should be “Dr. Pepper” not “Dr Pepper”. That’s not just some weird little thing they’re doing with their logo either because if you look at their website, it’s written all over the place like that. I wouldn’t trust a doctor that doesn’t know how to abbreviate his title. Even Mr. Clean knows to use a period and all he does is mop floors and get high on fumes all day - not that I would tell him that to his face. I expect more from a doctor, if he even is one!

2. Their slogan is “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper”. This statement makes no sense! You can say “Diet Dr Pepper tastes a lot like regular Dr Pepper” but you can’t say “more like” without saying what it’s more like than. “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than a cow patty tastes like Boston cream pie.” Yes I would agree with that statement. “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than it tastes like V8.” Another fine example.

I believe what they’re trying to say is “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than other diet soft drinks taste like their regular counterparts.” That’s why I’m not in marketing. I’d be fired the first day.

3. Their logo (see above). First off, it doesn’t read “Diet Dr Pepper”, it reads “Dr Pepper Diet”. (You may add graphic designer to the list of professions that I’m not fit for.) Secondly, it looks too much like the normal Dr Pepper logo (see below).

Just because you taste more like regular Dr Pepper doesn’t mean you have to confuse people by looking more like regular Dr Pepper too.

Wow, two posts in two weeks! Magic Pork is more like a regularly updated blog.

From the title of this post, you probably guessed that it is intended to let you all know that despite the absence of Magic Pork postings of late, I am still alive and well. But you guessed wrong. I am well, but that’s not the point of this post. If I cared so much about letting you know that, I would have posted something by now.

No, this post, like many others before it, is concerned with complaining about some minor thing that annoys me. It’s also short, and not worthy of the long wait you’ve endured. Many of you must have been anxiously navigating to magicpork.com every morning - that is, if you don’t have it set as your home page - and then hitting refresh periodically throughout the day, crossing your fingers and holding your breath in the hopes that a new post would greet your eyes. All I can say is I’ll try not to let three months pass before my next post, but I’m not promising anything.

OK so… whenever someone asks how I am, I typically respond “I’m good”. I’ve never seen anything wrong with that, and a lot of people respond that way. But I think “I’m well” is generally considered the correct response. I did some research online, and some people swear “good” is incorrect, while others insist it’s perfectly fine in that context.

Perhaps I should err on the side of caution and start saying “I’m well”. The reason this is on my mind is that I’ve had a few times recently where a waitress asked how I was, I responded “I’m good, how are you?”, and she said “I’m well”. That really irks me. I don’t care if it’s proper or not. If I say “good”, you say “good” back! You think I don’t know what you’re up to? You’re in an inferior position so this is a subtle way for you to assert some dominance. You have to take orders from me but at least you exhibit better grammar use than me, right? Well fine then. Glad to hear you’re well, now get me a Diet Coke and a cup of the broccoli cheddar and pronto! (Please note: I don’t actually talk to waitresses that way.)

That’s all I have for you this time. Keep refreshing the page and some day there will be another post for you. If I go a long time before my next post, it’s probably because I’m punishing you for something so an apology from you may be in order.

I went on vacation to Iceland. When I say that to people, their reaction 99% of the time is two words: “Why Iceland?” While I understand that it’s not the typical place you’d expect someone to go on vacation, it still gets annoying having to answer that question every time. No one ever follows the statement “I went to France on vacation” with the response “Why France?”. It’s a place to go, OK? My friends Mike & Jane went there four years ago and loved it. I’m tempted to just start making up stuff, like saying I went there on assignment for Gillette. There are a lot of unshaven men in that country and they want to break into that market. Oh Gillette, how many times must Magic Pork sing your praises before you show me some love and send me a little cash? Or free razors at least.

I created a Flickr account for my photos and created a page that links to them. If it proves too complicated for you to click over there, here’s a link to my Iceland photos. Easy enough?

As you browse through those photos, you may notice a blonde woman in some of the pictures. That’s Guðríður, this cute Icelandic girl that I met at the duty free shop in the airport after my flight came in. She was impressed that in the U.S. we have vibrating razors with five blades. She offered to show me around and we ended up having a great time. OK you got me - her real name is Kim and I imported her from the states. Guðríður is just some Icelandic name I found online. I don’t even know how that’s pronounced or what the heck those funky letters are. But I like that story so I’m going to go with it.

Little known fact that I learned in one of the museums I visited: Remember when Prince changed his name into a symbol? That was actually an Icelandic name, we just didn’t know how to pronounce it. He wanted to honor his Viking ancestry. It’s true!! “When Doves Cry” was about the rare “crying dove” that nests in the hills along the south shore. It has a mating call that sounds remarkably like synthesizers. Look it up!!

It was 24 hours of daylight this time of year. It would turn to dusk late at night but never get dark. That’s pretty cool to see but tended to make us lose track of the time. That and the fact that we didn’t have watches and our cell phones weren’t displaying the time there.

I made an effort to sample some Icelandic cuisine, such as:

• Skyr: Kind of like yoghurt only (”not as good” if you ask me / “better” if you ask Guðríður). Guðríður thinks there would be a big market for it in the U.S. and she’s probably right because it’s healthy and all that. And people do apparently love this stuff even though I didn’t see what the big deal was.
• Some sort of breakfast/lunch dish that consisted of sardines, capers, horseradish, uh… were there beets in there?.. I don’t remember what else was on it, but it was all on top of rye toast and came with raw egg in a half-shell that you were supposed to pour over it. I’ve never eaten a raw egg before and thought perhaps it would be disgusting but it wasn’t at all. I wouldn’t gulp it down like Rocky, but the whole dish was pretty good. I looked around for hints of how others were eating and saw a woman daintily cutting up her food and bringing the fork up to her mouth with her left hand in a graceful arch. I tried such an approach but I was really clumsy eating with my left hand. I also couldn’t get enough food to stay on my fork with that approach. I like to try to get a little of the different flavors in each bite. So I gave up and figured they probably can see I’m American anyway, might as well eat like an American. So I ate it much like how I eat a good old Rochester garbage plate - chopped it up, switched the fork to my right hand, hunched over my plate and shoveled it in. I’m exaggerating, I wasn’t quite that bad.. but almost.
• Meat soup: I had to ask what kind of meat was in the “meat soup”. It’s lamb. I don’t care for lamb all the much - don’t hate it but doesn’t do much for me and that’s how I felt about this soup.
• However, I had another lamb dish at a tapas restaurant that was very good. It had this licorice sauce on it that was tasty. I know lamb isn’t specific to Iceland but they eat it a lot there so I say this counts as local cuisine.
• Puffin: Yes they eat them. It’s just another type of fowl so it shouldn’t be a surprise but for some reason it just seems so badass to me so I have to respect them for that. If your reaction to a tourist’s “awww they’re so cute” is “..and tasty too!” - that’s badass. Unfortunately I did not like the puffin much at all. I got it at that same tapas place, with some blueberry sauce, and while I ate most of it out of some weird matter of pride, I didn’t care for it. No it did not taste remotely like chicken, it tasted more like fish.

I think that was about it for the local cuisine. The rest of the time I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted - for example we ate Indian food one night. I love how there’s no tipping in Iceland. You pay what’s listed on the bill and that’s that. You don’t have to worry about which person is “your” waiter because they’re not working for your tip. This was a great change of pace from the U.S. where you’re increasingly expected to tip people for just doing their jobs. My friend told me that he saw a tip jar at a Subway. Never. You’d have to be one damn good “sandwich artist” to get a tip from me. I particularly hate the “Tips Appreciated” sign you often see over those jars… appreciated by you maybe, but certainly not by me.

I think it would be boring to go on & on about everything we did in Iceland. Here’s the gist of it: went to restaurants and bars in Reykjavik, a few museums, a couple bus tours (from whence most of the pictures come), Blue Lagoon. If you’d like more details feel free to post a comment or email me.

I will say a little something about the Blue Lagoon though. They claim it’s all healthy for your skin but I don’t buy it. (And I literally didn’t buy it - they sell a whole line of skin care products too.) I think that’s just a big marketing gimmick they came up with. But it was great nonetheless - the water was really warm and relaxing even if the weather wasn’t nice that day.

A question I’ve gotten from a few different men (some of whom are married and did so in a conspiratorial whisper - don’t worry your secret’s safe with me!) was whether the girls are as gorgeous in Iceland as they’re rumored to be. I hate to shatter your dreams, but no. That’s not to say there aren’t some very striking blonde girls there, and maybe if you have a particular thing for blondes you’d be in heaven there, but overall I wouldn’t say the general female population in Iceland is any more beautiful than here in Rochester. (What up Rochacha ladies!!)

As far as the guys, I didn’t think they were anything special and neither did Guðríður. Why do you think she hooked up with an American man? But guys, you better watch out for these Icelandic men. I was at a bar with Kim… I mean Guðríður.. and stepped into the bathroom for all of four minutes. When I returned there was an Icelandic dude leaning in and talking to her. Later, Guðríður told me that he said something along the lines of:

Where are you from?
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.

or something like that. Point is, it wasn’t the most sophisticated pick up line but he was descended from Vikings so gotta give him some credit there for not just dragging her away.

Iceland generates most of its electricity - something like 95%, but don’t quote me on that - actually go ahead & quote me, it’ll be good exposure - from geothermal and hydroelectric sources. That’s what they claim at least, but I grew suspicious. We were walking around Reykjavik one day and Guðríður made some comment about how there’s no homeless people. Now maybe it has to do with their social programs but I think they’re using the homeless as fuel! You’re telling me there’s only 316,000 people in all of Iceland? Yeah right - you’re probably burning a good 30,000 homeless people a year. It’s frickin’ cold in Iceland in winter - they’re probably dropping off left & right. I made sure not to voice my suspicions to Guðríður though. She might have alerted her Icelandic overlords that I was on to them and the next day another American tourist would have had an unfortunate geyser “accident”. I also have to wonder about that skyr now that I think of it… “skyr” might be the Icelandic version of “soylent green“.

I can’t end this post without a brief parting blow to air travel. It sucks. That’s all I’ll say because everyone knows this and I won’t bore you with the details. But I agree with Richard Roeper who made the observation in one of his columns that no one likes to travel, they just like being in other places.

A while back, I posted about Grand Buffet. I haven’t been following them much since then, but looks like they came out with a new full-length album this year. I’ve listened to snippets of some of the tracks on Amazon and their sound is a little different. Not sure if I’ll like it as much as what I’ve heard from them before but I’ll probably give it a try.

The reason I’m thinking of Grand Buffet is that I was listening to them the other day in the car. During their song “Stocking Stuffer”, I heard one of the same rhymes that was used in “Maggie May”, which I critiqued in my previous post. They rhyme “pool” with “school” but in their case the lyrics make sense and don’t feel forced. So I thought I should post the lyrics to this song as an example of good lyrics. It’s a short song. Here they are:

Stocking Stuffer

Santa Claus once picked me up after school
We had some drinks, we shot some pool
Told me that he’s not a one woman man
He’s got a few, they understand
Over some dinner we talked about things
He ordered ribs, I got some wings
He said he fancied the girl in my life
Asked me if she could be his for a night
How could I say no to old Saint Nick?
He fills up my stocking with beautiful gifts

Santa Santa Santa
Got my girlfriend pregnant this Christmas
That’s not what I had on top of my wish list
Santa Santa Santa
Had a one night stand with my lady
This Christmas Santa Claus gave me a baby

I think it’s time for another post about bad lyrics. Almost two years ago, I griped about Silverchair lyrics in parts one and two. This time I’m going to complain about a much more popular artist: Rod Stewart. And a much much more popular song: Maggie May.

Some of you will be aghast that I would disparage such a great song but I think once you see what I have to say you’ll agree. Because I’ve convinced myself of my superior powers of convincing.

The tune of Maggie May is okay. I don’t get why it was such a success, but I think I’d be inclined to like it on the music alone. The subject of the song I don’t have a problem with either. I don’t know if it’s based on a real experience in Rod Stewart’s life, but it certainly sounds like an honest song about a real experience. But I just can’t get past the horrible lyrics.

Many of the lyrics in the song are fine, but then he’ll throw in some line that seems clearly like he was stretching for a rhyme. It just sounds so amateur. Then again, since the protagonist is a young uneducated kid, maybe that was the intent and he’s a more genius songwriter than I’m giving him credit for.

I’ll reproduce the lyrics here, commenting on the groan-inducing rhymes. Feel free to groan along at home.

Maggie May

Wake up Maggie, I think I got something to say to you
It’s late September and I really should be back at school
I know I keep you amused but I feel I’m being used

Editor: Uggggh… amused/used. And who says “keep you amused”? In other words “I amuse you” but that wouldn’t rhyme so I’ll twist it around so that it does.

Oh Maggie, I couldn’t have tried any more

You lured me away from home
Just to save you from being alone

Editor: Not horrible… worthy of a wince but not quite a groan.

You stole my heart and that’s what really hurts

Editor: The last line of each verse doesn’t rhyme with anything, which I commend him on. I wish he had followed that policy for the entire song.

The morning sun, when it’s in your face really shows your age
But that don’t worry me none, in my eyes you’re everything
I laughed at all of your jokes, my love, you didn’t need to coax

Editor: WORST LINE OF THE SONG. There should be a room in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland for worst lyrics, and this should be inscribed over the entrance. I hear this line and I picture Rod in one of those typical movie scenes, bent over a pad of paper with a pencil in hand, surrounded by a hundred wadded up pieces of paper on the floor. “What rhymes with jokes?.. ‘Folks’? No.. ‘Smokes’? Hmm ‘You even let me bum your smokes.’ No.. ‘Cokes’? ‘Coax!’ Yes! You didn’t need to coax my love… but how do I get the word ‘coax’ at the end of the line? I know, I’ll just move the subject to the beginning of the line. Perfect! Moving on..” Hey Rod: your lyrics, they suck. I’ll use your technique on a line of my own: “You’re so lazy with your verses / My mouth, you make erupt in curses”.

Oh Maggie, I couldn’t have tried any more

Editor: As I said: lazy. You should be apologizing to us for not trying hard enough.

You lured me away from home
Just to save you from being alone
You stole my soul and that’s a pain I can do without

All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand
But you turned into a lover and mother, what a lover, you wore me out

Editor: ???

All you did was wreck my bed and in the morning kick me in the head

Editor: ???!!!! Either this guy is really really stretching for a rhyme or he was making love to a horse.

Oh Maggie, I couldn’t have tried anymore

You lured me away from home
‘Cause you didn’t wanna be alone
You stole my heart, I couldn’t leave you if I tried

Editor: Yeah we’re getting that whole lack-of-trying thing.

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school

Editor: And take some grammar classes perhaps?

Or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool

Editor: Okay I admit the double-meaning of ‘cue’ is somewhat clever, but it seems he made up this “father is a pool player” thing just for a rhyme.

Or find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helpin’ hand

Editor: Here Rod, I think you dropped something… some syllables. Heh.

Oh Maggie, I wished I’d never seen your face

You made a first-class fool out of me
But I’m blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway

Editor: This is the only decent verse of the song. It’s merely mediocre, not horrible.

Maggie, I wished I’d never seen your face
I’ll get on back home one of these days

Here’s where the song ends and you don’t get to hear Maggie’s response to being woke up by some lazy punk telling her she looks old, and he wishes he never saw her face, and she makes love like a large farm animal. Or perhaps his mother. That’s a shame, because I think it would have made for an interesting song.

In a previous post, I mentioned a time that someone said something very racist to me and implied that it’s entirely possible that I didn’t correct him on the matter so as not to cause myself discomfort for the remainder of the summer. Mind you, it’s also possible that I did confront him on the matter in dramatic fashion. It was one of those two - my memory’s a little spotty. But just in case you’re inclined to believe the former, I’m going to share with you a story that should redeem myself.

A friend from college was getting married in Arizona. So my other college friends and I were planning the trip out to the wedding. We booked some hotel rooms and later on, I was looking at the hotel’s website. One of the pictures showed a young black couple in a hotel room. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but I noticed the filename. I think there was some mouse-over text or something. The filename was “room-with-black-people.jpg”.

I thought that was horrible. I understood that they probably had a bunch of different pictures to appeal to various demographics and that they had just named the files in a way that they could identify them. In some ways, it’s good that at least they were showing different races. But I don’t care, you don’t need to be a PR expert to know that’s not a good way to name your files.

There was a link to email the hotel so I sent them this angry email about how offensive that was and when I looked at the picture I saw a young, attractive, professional-looking couple and why does it matter that they’re black, etc. I was hoping that they’d offer me a free room to make up for it but they didn’t. It would have been perfect if we arrived at the hotel and some manager wanted to apologize to me in person - only to notice I was just some white dude.

I don’t think I even got an apology email, but I checked back on the website later and the file had been renamed to “room-with-people.jpg” which is of course ridiculous. That gave me a huge laugh.

I’m not so sure this was a redeeming story after all considering my main motivation was getting a free room. OK, I admit it, I got nothing.