MAGIC         PORK

I want to inform all of you that here at magicpork.com, I have a “No-Spoiler Guarantee“®. I have a TiVo and often watch programs days after they air, and I know a lot of you have DVR’s as well. You can visit magicpork.com without fear that I’ll be revealing the details of your favorite episodes before you’ve had a chance to watch them. Same goes for movies and books. But I’ll be spoiling the hell out of music. Like did you know that if you try to dance too close to Fergie and touch her hump she’s gonna start some drama? Well you do now! I’ll be ruining those songs for you left & right so get used to it!

So you can expect some sort of *spoiler* warning when the post contains potential spoilers. This post will be discussing a recent TV episode, but I’ll give you the spoiler warning before I start with that.

Those of you who don’t watch Battlestar Galactica, I have to tell you that it’s one of the best shows on TV. Seriously. When friends first told me about it, I thought it sounded like just some silly sci-fi show, so I understand if you’re thinking the same thing, but trust me it’s not. See, I was sneaky. If I put in the title of the post that I was going to discuss Battlestar Galactica, many of you would have skipped right past it. Be forewarned that from time to time I will actively seek to deceive you. For example, “No-Spoiler Guarantee“® isn’t really a registered trademark of magicpork.com. I’ve applied for it. No I haven’t. See that was another lie. You get the idea. But believe me about the spoiler alerts.

Now those of you who don’t care about Battlestar Galactica are excused. But come back for my next post, where I’ll be discussing Middle East politics.

Some of you still there? Great. First off, congratulations on your good taste in TV shows. But this isn’t a post about how great the show is. You guys already know that. It’s about how the last episode was disappointing. I guess it was bound to happen. They finally had a bad episode. It was just full of clichés.

*** MINOR SPOILERS ***

In the opening scene of the episode, Apollo is pointing a gun at some tough guy. The tough guy says, very confidently, “You won’t shoot me. You’re not like me.” How original. So I’m already wary about this episode, but okay I’m willing to overlook that one. Then they take us back to 48 hours earlier. I don’t have a problem with this technique but I don’t like it when TV shows abuse it. If you’re going to do something like that, there should be a reason for it. When knowing what will happen in the future sheds a different light on events happening in the past, then it’s cool. But this time, not so much. They could have just as easily told that story without the flashback, and they probably intended to, but then in editing they realized the beginning was too boring so they threw that in there to grab our attention.

We also had the hooker with a heart of gold, who’s of course only doing it to provide for her adorable little girl. She came out of nowhere and just screamed “plot device”. I don’t mean her character literally screamed “plot device”. That would have been funny if she had.

There were also some long-lost-love flashbacks from Apollo for some girl that, if I’m not mistaken, we’ve never heard anything about before. And that wouldn’t have been so bad if they didn’t keep repeating the same damn cheesy clips! They looked like they were out of a soap opera.

I expect that this was just a bad episode and we’ll be returning to greatness next week.

One more thing… I’m not going to discuss Middle East politics in my next post. I don’t know jack about that. But don’t tell the others that stopped reading earlier. It’ll be our little joke on them.

It’s Thursday night, which means I’ll be hearing the sounds of Alexander St Pub until the bar closes. That means drunken yells and thumping from the music. It’s not like it’s really loud, but enough for me to notice. See, my apartment building is right near their deck and the parking lot where a lot of the customers park - and my bedroom is on the side facing them. On Friday & Saturday I don’t mind because I’m up late too, but for some reason Thursdays are always packed there. Does anyone know why? I assume it’s ladies’ night. I need to go undercover one of these nights and find out.

Yes even in the winter it’s packed. They must have heaters out there. I wonder how warm the heaters will keep them when they get pelted by water balloons… say from some slingshot contraption. I said “undercover” for a reason.

But making noise on the deck of a bar, I can understand. That’s an issue I should take up with the management… and don’t think I won’t! But what I really want to talk about is the screaming that goes on as girls are walking back to their cars. If any of you loud girls stumbled across my website, listen up.

You need to stop. Here’s why.

It’s 2:30 AM, the parking lot’s almost empty, you’re walking to your car and shouting into your cell phone:

Hahaha QUIT IT!!! Hahaha I didn’t get THAT drunk!! BOB!! BOB!!

But this is what I hear while lying in bed:

blah blah BLAH!! blah blah blah blah BLAH blah!! BLAH!! BLAH!!

Now here’s the thing… say you were instead saying this:

Oh my GOD!! This man’s ATTACKING me!! HELP!! HELP!!

Guess what? It would sound the same to me. How many more times do you think I’ll get out of bed and look out my window just in case there’s really a girl in trouble out there? So if you ever want someone to actually pay attention when you’re shouting for help, SHUT UP!!!

I just know that when I finally decide “what are the chances?” and go back to sleep, this will be the article in the newspaper:

Woman, 22, stabbed 12 times in East End parking lot

Nearby residents heard the screams, but did nothing. “I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, ” said Kevin McMillen, whose window directly overlooks the parking lot.

So if you won’t stop screaming for your own sake, do it for me. I don’t want to get embarrassed in the newspaper.

I’ve hit the big time! Both foodmike.com and patandfran.com mentioned magicpork.com in their blogs. I can now retire from blogging.

How fitting is it that I had already chosen the domain name when I saw this on CNN.com. I had to hurry and get my website up just so I could post this incredible news.

A team of researchers won a $10 million federal grant to provide the first complete sequence of the swine genome — a genetic map they say could help farmers produce better hogs, give consumers tastier pork and ultimately benefit human health.

Full article here.

Did you catch the key words in that statement? Tastier pork. I know what you’re thinking: how could pork possibly be any tastier? I hear ya. It’s almost… magic. I knew that domain name meant something!

I finally jumped on the bandwagon and decided to try my hand at this blogging thing. You know kids, in my day we had things called “homepages”. It was plain blue hyperlinks on a solid background (or tiny tiled images). I even had one for a little while but never told anyone about it and was too lazy to put much up there so it died. Probably what will happen here too.

You kids don’t know how good you have it with your fancy blogging software. People can post comments! Comments! How crazy is that?? And I still don’t get what a “trackback” is all about. In my day…

OK, the nurse just gave me my medicine so I’m much more calm now.

This site is definitely a work in progress so bear with me for now.

The first question I’m sure people will ask is why “magic pork”? There is a little backstory to it. Some of the folks I used to work with at Blue Lobster Software may remember, but it’s stupid and irrelevant to why I chose it so I’ll spare you. I just chose it because:

• It popped into my head and I thought it sounded like a cool name for a website. What can I say? It gave me a chuckle.
• Why is a job search site called Monster.com? Who knows. GoDaddy.com, they sell domain name registrations because that’s what you’d expect from a site called GoDaddy. They don’t care that their names make no sense so neither should I.
• You try to find a good original domain name that’s not already taken!
• I think it would also make a good name for a porn site, so I figure eventually as the good .com names run out, someone will come trying to buy it off of me. And then I can CASH IN!!

But really… do you need to ask what’s magic about pork? I didn’t think so. (Jews & Muslims: you can just think of it as evil magic.)

So welcome everyone! Feel free to comment, sign up for the RSS feed, and check out the site once in a while in between the 100 other blogs you read. The subject matter will be any random thought that crosses my mind.