MAGIC         PORK

I have a few gripes about Diet Dr Pepper, none of which have to do with the taste. I’m not a big fan of the taste either, but it’s okay once in a while when I feel like having something different than my typical Diet Coke. By the way, I always hated Diet Coke until a few years ago when I decided I could cut down on my sugar intake by switching to diet. I actually forced myself by sheer willpower to drink that fake sweetener crap, hoping that I’d just eventually get used to it. Remarkably, it worked. It worked so well that now I don’t like the taste of regular Coke. I worry about what that says about my susceptibility to brainwashing.

Okay back to Diet Dr Pepper. Here are my complaints:

1. What’s with the missing period? It should be “Dr. Pepper” not “Dr Pepper”. That’s not just some weird little thing they’re doing with their logo either because if you look at their website, it’s written all over the place like that. I wouldn’t trust a doctor that doesn’t know how to abbreviate his title. Even Mr. Clean knows to use a period and all he does is mop floors and get high on fumes all day - not that I would tell him that to his face. I expect more from a doctor, if he even is one!

2. Their slogan is “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper”. This statement makes no sense! You can say “Diet Dr Pepper tastes a lot like regular Dr Pepper” but you can’t say “more like” without saying what it’s more like than. “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than a cow patty tastes like Boston cream pie.” Yes I would agree with that statement. “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than it tastes like V8.” Another fine example.

I believe what they’re trying to say is “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like regular Dr Pepper than other diet soft drinks taste like their regular counterparts.” That’s why I’m not in marketing. I’d be fired the first day.

3. Their logo (see above). First off, it doesn’t read “Diet Dr Pepper”, it reads “Dr Pepper Diet”. (You may add graphic designer to the list of professions that I’m not fit for.) Secondly, it looks too much like the normal Dr Pepper logo (see below).

Just because you taste more like regular Dr Pepper doesn’t mean you have to confuse people by looking more like regular Dr Pepper too.

Wow, two posts in two weeks! Magic Pork is more like a regularly updated blog.

From the title of this post, you probably guessed that it is intended to let you all know that despite the absence of Magic Pork postings of late, I am still alive and well. But you guessed wrong. I am well, but that’s not the point of this post. If I cared so much about letting you know that, I would have posted something by now.

No, this post, like many others before it, is concerned with complaining about some minor thing that annoys me. It’s also short, and not worthy of the long wait you’ve endured. Many of you must have been anxiously navigating to magicpork.com every morning - that is, if you don’t have it set as your home page - and then hitting refresh periodically throughout the day, crossing your fingers and holding your breath in the hopes that a new post would greet your eyes. All I can say is I’ll try not to let three months pass before my next post, but I’m not promising anything.

OK so… whenever someone asks how I am, I typically respond “I’m good”. I’ve never seen anything wrong with that, and a lot of people respond that way. But I think “I’m well” is generally considered the correct response. I did some research online, and some people swear “good” is incorrect, while others insist it’s perfectly fine in that context.

Perhaps I should err on the side of caution and start saying “I’m well”. The reason this is on my mind is that I’ve had a few times recently where a waitress asked how I was, I responded “I’m good, how are you?”, and she said “I’m well”. That really irks me. I don’t care if it’s proper or not. If I say “good”, you say “good” back! You think I don’t know what you’re up to? You’re in an inferior position so this is a subtle way for you to assert some dominance. You have to take orders from me but at least you exhibit better grammar use than me, right? Well fine then. Glad to hear you’re well, now get me a Diet Coke and a cup of the broccoli cheddar and pronto! (Please note: I don’t actually talk to waitresses that way.)

That’s all I have for you this time. Keep refreshing the page and some day there will be another post for you. If I go a long time before my next post, it’s probably because I’m punishing you for something so an apology from you may be in order.